hope

it's been 5 days since my surgery. i lay in bed a lot, take a lot of pills, drink a lot of water, eat a lot of crackers, think, and pray a lot more than usual. today the pain was bad. as in bad i mean unbearable.... Jason called the doctor because of what we understood by now the pain should have been less than before, but it hasn't been. i was put on another pack of steroids (this is my 3rd round of steroid packs). the pack is for 5 days then a few days after i finish them i go to my follow up appointment. if i am still having arm pain by the time i see the doctor again they want to do a shoulder MRI.after getting all of this information, i cried..... but to be honest i cry a lot lately, which is not like me at all. i know a lot of it has to do with how much my life has changed. if someone would have told me a month ago i wouldn't be able to take care of my boys by myself i wouldn't have believed it for a minute. i am sure a lot of the crying has to do with the pain pills and the pain itself. i never took for granted what i had before all of this happened. everyday i thanked God for what i have and for what He has given me in my life, and i still do! i lay in bed last night and cried (ugh yes again) for everything i have.... for being able to at least HEAR the boys outside swimming and playing while i lay in bed (when i used to WATCH them and play WITH them). i am so thankful to have Jason not only right by my side during all of this but for totally taking over. he takes care of the boys, the house, his TWO jobs, and continues to stay happy and positive. i know deep down he's stressed and/or worried, but he doesn't show it. and of course, to have my parents and Paw-Paw come over just about every day to help as well. i am blessed in so many ways i cant even count. i lay in bed crying about being 40 and having everything i ever wanted and worried about dying. which is crazy because i know it's just spinal surgery.... but the whole thing makes my mind go places it hasn't before. i don't want to leave my boys yet. i am not ready. i want to see them grow up. not only SEE them grow, but help them along the way. to BE HERE to give advice if they want it (or not). i want to be their Mom. i want them to remember me. not at the ages of 4 and 2, but of teenagers and grown men. i want to grow old with Jason. i remember thinking how 40 was SO OLD.... but now that i am there it's just regular. its a number and i want to keep going. i want to be healthy. for my boys, Jason, my family, my friends, and for me. i want to smile and not think about if its going to hurt if i get out of bed. i don't want to think about what pills i need to take next or the pain will return. i just want it to be a month ago. everything was perfect. i knew it was. i loved it, i lived it and i want it back.i hope someday i read this blog post and realize what an idiot i was for writing it. i hope i wake up tomorrow and notice the pain is less than it was today. i have hope for my spine/neck/shoulder/arm to be well again, for the doctors to 'fix' me, and to be WITH my boys again. and not just hearing them from laying inside.

Jason, Peyton and Jayden,
please know that i love you more than the world. i never thought i would have this much happiness in my life. you are all i ever wanted and prayed for. i couldn't want for more.... only to be the Mommy and wife i was before. and if and when i am, i am going to be IN IT, just like i was before. you are the reason i am here.

Mom, Dad, Tim, Brook, and Meg,
my family. i love all of you so much. it breaks my heart that we cant see each other more. i think about our lives at Oakbriar, and even when we were little living in the country. we had so much fun! it went so fast, but it was so great. i wouldn't change any of it. i have dreams we are all living there again, younger of course. the dreams are so great. i wake up and miss all of us together, the family trips, the birthday parties, playing outside for hours, and swimming all summer. i love our memories, and love all of you so much. i think of all of you every day.PS.... to Brook, please stop blaming yourself for the fall i took when i was 7 off of the pool slide and breaking my head open. you were there, but you didnt do anything! it wasn't your fault. i just didn't hold on, leaned back and fell. it just happened. we don't know for sure if my spinal surgery is from that fall, please stop blaming yourself. i love you!

PPS.... thank you to everyone who sent flowers, food, gift cards and even emails with your thoughts and prayers. you are all so sweet. i am lucky to have so many great friends and family in my life. all of you make my days brighter!
thank you!
Mandy