pre-op

today was my pre-op. Grandpa came over to babysit Jayden, and Jason and I took Peyton to pre-school. the hospital is right down the street from Peyton's school. So it worked out well that both of us got to take him to school. I have missed seeing him walk into school the past few weeks.

my pre-op stuff went ok. i mean i guess it went as well as you would expect. which i didn't expect much at all. they took blood, weighed me, and then did an EKG.... which by the way i had NO IDEA i would be getting one. it wasn't a big deal though. what WAS weird was when the nurse (or whoever she is) told me to lift my shirt & bra, and lay on the table. i know i just looked at her like she was crazy. she said it a few more times before i actually did it. she put some sticky circles with wires coming out of them all over me and told me to be VERY STILL (i had a small flashback from the MRI at that point thinking OH CRAP IM GOING TO SCREW THIS UP). but in a few seconds/couple of minutes it was over and i got to put my shirt and bra down. im so exciting.

after the EKG we (Jason was with me the whole time) were sent into another room to talk about the surgery.... before and after, what to expect and had to sign a bunch of papers. i was also given a 'living will' to sign, or to take home to discuss. we decided to bring it home. not for any reason.... i think the whole thing just took us so off guard that we didn't know what to say or do. it's still in the folder we brought home. i guess we will be going over it tonight.

once we left the hospital we went to breakfast, sat outside, and just enjoyed being together. we had not been alone in a long time. so it was REALLY nice to enjoy each others company. we didn't talk about the surgery much at all. which i think was good for both of us. we just wanted to be together, and so we were. breakfast was so good and the weather was perfect.

we had about 45 minutes until we had to get Peyton from school so we walked down main street. we went into a few stores, but didn't buy anything. it was just nice to be out and not think about anything. Peyton was excited to see both of us in the car as we picked him up from school. he had a good day.

when we got home Paw-Paw and Jayden were hanging out. the boys were hungry for lunch and ready for naps.... which, by then, i was too.

Mom came over about 3:00 to take me to get a pedicure. i wanted pretty feet for my surgery.... so at least one part of me would look good. the whole reason for Mom going with me (other than mother/daughter time, which i LOVE!) was for HER to get a pedicure too but she decided not to get one. i have no idea why, she just sat with me while i got mine. we talked a lot. it was really nice to have her there. usually i go by myself, which is kinda blah. Mom and I went to Target after my pedicure but didn't shop very long. i started to feel really sick, and by the time we got home i was ready to lay down and pretty much stayed in bed for the rest of the evening. but at least my feet look good!
PS.... i have gotten so many emails and phone calls telling me similar stories of friends who have gone through the same type of surgery, or how a shot would cure it, or physical therapy may even be the answer, or even how a chiropractor could fix me. whatever stories i heard, i listened, took it in, and prayed a lot. to be honest.... in the beginning, i was just plain scared. i honestly thought i was going to find out i was dying. (and just for the record i am NOT AT ALL dramatic, REALLY im not. usually things roll off my back, yes i get mad, i might scream about it, but eventually i get over things). but this whole thing was different. i knew it.... something was wrong. i mean one day i was fine and the next day i couldn't walk without feeling extreme pain. finally, i just wanted to go to the doctor and hear what he had to say.... meanwhile i hugged my boys A LOT. i looked at their little faces a lot and wondered how they would be without me. (still not being dramatic.... i promise! these are just the things that went through my mind..... which by the way NEVER have before).

so.... when friends, or just random people told me their stories of the 'same surgery' and how i shouldn't worry and everything will be 'fine'.... i PROMISE i listened. i understand that i am not the first one to ever have gone through this. i also get it that i will probably be 'fine' and i will (hopefully) back to my old self before i know it. but.... to me this IS a big deal, and not because it's 'surgery'.... it's a big deal to me because i have not been myself in almost a month. i haven't been able to hold my boys like i used to, hug my husband like i used to, or even take pictures like i used to.... i miss doing REGULAR things. everything is different, i don't like it. i wake up and i am in pain and when i go to bed i am still in pain. i am tired of depending on pain pills to 'get me through the day' or make me feel somewhat normal.

on my nightstand i have a baggie full of crackers, a cup of water (or cranberry juice), and a smaller cup filled with the pain meds i may or may not need at night. i also have a picture/coaster Peyton made me so it can be the first and last thing i see before i go to bed at night. this is my life.... no it isn't like anyone else right now. its mine. its my experience. and as bad as it feels sometimes, im glad its ME going through this and not my boys, my husband, my family, or even my friends. God knows i can handle this. He knows. i wonder if i can, but then at the end of the day i tell myself God knows. it's in His hands. this is my experience. i am going through it, and i will get through it one way or another. so to those of you who have told me your stories.... thank you for making me feel like this is WAY more simple than it feels. because honestly it feels WAY bigger than i can handle sometimes.

the older i get the more i realize we all go through our own things, big or small, they are OURS. we OWN them. its OUR life and OUR stories/experiences. this is one of mine.... and hopefully just a small one.